There are many significant moments in ones’ life like: graduation, first job, first child and then second child and these moments are lived instantly, as we seize the experience in our lives and lock it away in our treasure box of memories.
However, as we walk through life and we experience a range of emotions, we sometimes hold onto those emotions until a moment in time when we are ready to have that portentous moment- a moment in time where there is such clarity and understanding that we can realise, we have been wrong for many years. We let go of the emotions and we learn from our own folly.
It is today at this moment in time, that I wish my mother was alive so that I could apologise to her for my anger and judgement. I am lucky today that I can and will apologise to my father for my anger and judgement in his and my mother’s attitude in bringing my brother and I up.
Family is a complicated thing and family dynamics are lessons in negotiating; formulations in personality and it informs our present future. In my childhood, I was very much the observer of the family. My brother had a stormy temper- he was unpredictable and something to be feared. It was complicated to say the least. I was eager to grow up and leave and that I did…
As the observer, the person who knew better, I became and expert in how my parents should be parenting my older ‘screw up’ of a brother. He stole from them, lied to them and stormed out of my father’s business and I wondered when will they cut him off? When will enough be enough?
I judged my parents harshly and cruelly. And yet they have done something so incredibly right in their actions towards my brother. Time upon time and even now they have given him unconditional love. They have found a way to accept (even when they may disagree or be hurt by his actions) and they have found a way to forgive him and still love him.
My parents have never cut him off, sure they got their parenting wrong at times but they have always and will always be there for him and me, as long as we breathe the air into our lungs and they breathe air into their lungs. They have given him and they have given me unconditional love.
And they have taught me to love unconditionally! So when my daughter acts out angrily (perhaps by writing irrational angry and in her perspective justified letters) or my son doesn’t call me regularly enough (only calls when he requires a little extra cash flow.) I know that I will never cut them off nor will I stop loving them because my love is unconditional.
This portentous moment happened yesterday and I am grateful to my parents for teaching me to love and I am sorry for being so cruel and judgmental towards them. I am grateful that my father and my mother have always and will always love me.
It is a portentous moment to know I will always be loved. It is a portentous moment to know I will always love.